One year...

It has been one whole year since my Nana passed away. Time flies by so fast. Our family gathered at her grave site one year to the day that she was placed there. We all miss her so much it is heartbreaking. She is the best person that any of us ever knew. My family is the most important part of my life, I dont know what I would do without each of them. Together we are strong, together we can and will get through anything. We were given the chance at the cemetery to say something. My heart was so full but I didn't even know what to say and how i would have gotten through it so I just listened. I know she knows how much I miss and love her.This is something I wrote last year. I put it in my other blog but not here. Reading it still makes me cry. Reliving those memories and feelings of that time is really hard.

With just a few words out my my husband's mouth, "Cali you need to call your mom right now." I knew what had happened. The car ride home was the longest I had ever taken. Filled with a mix of tears and anger caused by traffic. As I walked into Nana's house, I instantly inhaled the smell of her. How long would the house smell like that? After I embraced family I walked to her room. A room once full of happiness turned to one filled with sorrow.

As I saw her i felt as if someone punched me in the stomach. My air was gone and I felt dizzy. I knelt beside her bed as I had many times before and wept. I held her cold hand against my face as time moved in slow motion around me. As I spent my last minutes of alone time with her empty earthly body I talked with her. I told her how I felt about her, feelings that I hope she knew before she passed. I asked her to take care of my future children and that I was glad that they get to have Nana for a while, The Nana that would teach them to take walks and to gather flowers and step on lids. Her face had become one of my favorite textures and I touched it knowing that It would not feel like that ever again. I felt my heart break as I knelt there.

I spent the weekend making a movie about Nana. This project came hand in hand with stress and worst of all, deep sadness. As I stared at pictures of her for days straight I couldn't help but feel empty inside. One moment I would look down at a table soaked with my salty tears and the next I would feel tearless, empty and alone. Part of me wished to get her out of my mind and the other part was terrified to forget her. Cycles of emotions left me exhausted and sleepless.
The viewing was full of emotion and loved ones. I was right about her face. The touch was foreign to my fingers. She looked so beautiful, so peaceful. The room was filled with her spirit and love, as well as tears.

As we prepared for the service to celebrate her life, family again gathered together in a small room. Beautiful words were spoken of her there. As I said my last goodbye, I placed a porcelain doll in her arms. A doll that would look over her earthly body forever. I stared at her face one last time and my mind was flooded with memories of smiles and laughter. The reality had hit me that this was the last time I would see her face. Beautiful words and music filled the room as we all payed tribute to an amazing woman. It was just as she would wanted it to be.

The burial site was peaceful and quiet. Looking over the beautiful valley below and first sign of blue sky that I had seen in days above. It was there I finally caught my breath, felt the calm come over me at last. The sadness had not gone, but the crushing feeling on my heart had lifted. I felt her presence there with me, my dancing, skipping angel. She remains in my heart and will always stay there. My hero, my friend, my Nana.


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